Step Ten

Ironically, reading a blog post today over at I Love Recovery (a great blog by another recovering woman) was the smack upside my head that I needed to remind myself that I haven't been working a daily tenth step for the last while. For those of you who haven't a clue what a tenth step is, it is:

We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

This is kind of the "keep your house clean" step. (Come to think of it, I haven't been keeping my real house very clean either.) Oh well, perhaps this reminder will give me the nudge I need to check in with myself on a more regular basis. It can't hurt. Especially since I found myself falling back into some crappy behaviour today. 

So here are the questions that I developed for my own Step Ten inventory, with today's answers:

Have I reaffirmed my faith in a loving, caring Higher Power today?
Not in any seriously tangible way, to be honest.

Have I sought out the guidance of my Higher Power today? How?
Nope, didn't manage to do this either.

What have I done to be of service to the people around me?
Shared with and listened to a friend who is going through a difficult time. 

What do I have to be grateful for today?
Everything, as usual.

Have any of my character defects been apparent in my life today? If so, which ones?

• Fear, lack of faith (no)
• Resentment (oh, yes indeed)
• Arrogance (um, yes to this one too)
• Self-doubt (no, too busy being arrogant)
• Lack of discipline (well, the frozen yogurt was sugar-free)
• Lack of self-awareness (good on this one, I knew my resentments were coming out)

Did I incorporate any of the following principles in my life (in place of any active defects)?

• Faith, trust (yes, I caught myself being a resentful snag and stopped, I know I can do better)
• Acceptance (I accept that going on and on in resentment is not attractive or healthy)
• Compassion (I have compassion for myself, and try to be compassionate for the person I resent)
• Humility (I am still learning, and know I have plenty more to learn. That is humility.)
• Self-love (Maybe tomorrow)
• Commitment (I'm working this darned step, aren't I?)
• Open-mindedness (I am open to change and to changing, today)

Do I owe any apologies or amends?
I apologized to my friend for taking the conversation where I did (a resentful rant on my part, not against her).

What have I done today about which I feel positive? Satisfied? What did I do today that I want to be sure to repeat?
I did manage to stop myself when I turned into a snarl-puss. That would be a good thing to repeat. 

How did I practice self-care today?

• Prayer (um, no)
• Meditation (um, nope)
• Right amount of working/busy-ness (yes, no working or busy-ness today)
• Mindful eating (pretty much, not positive if I needed the sugar-free frozen yogurt)
• Exercise and stretching (went for a fabulous walk)
• Mindful spending (I gave the girls the money for the frozen yogurt, otherwise spend-free day)
• Rest (I slept in until 8:00 am)
• Sleep (I am going to bed now, and it is only 9:30)

So there we have it. I`m not entirely proud of how I handled myself today. But I`ll do better tomorrow. 

I hope.

Humility

There's this thing called the seventh step (seventh of twelve) that some of us practice. In this step, we put our trust in a higher power (I call mine Mary). We focus on the spiritual principles of surrender, trust, faith, patience and humility. The idea here is simple - we hope to become better human beings. Humility is the big one here. A lot of people have trouble with the word humility, mistaking it or equating it too closely with humiliation. I try to keep things simple. Humility for me, just means that I am teachable, that I have a lot to learn. And boy, do I.

One of my lovely sponsees (as in, I sponsor/mentor her) was recently very moved by a line from a piece of recovery literature. We talked about it a bit, and I also became inspired. It kind of speaks volumes even without much introduction, but I thought the sentence that came before it added necessary context. So here they are, two sentences that say a lot:

"We may even be startled by the level of maturity or spirituality we've demonstrated in handling a situation that in years past would have had us acting very unspiritually. One day, we'll realize that some of the ways we used to act have become as alien as spiritual principles were when we first started practicing them."
(Step Working Guide, 67)

As I struggle in my life today with some fairly serious life issues, I need to remember to practice the spiritual principles that best counteract my character defects. It kind of goes something like this, for me:

I have to remember to practice:

• Faith, not fear.
• Humility, not arrogance.
• Self-love, not self-doubt.
• Compassion, not resentment or judgment.
• Commitment, to counter lack of discipline.
• Open-mindedness, rather than lack of self-acceptance.
• Honesty, not denial.
• Love, not impatience. 

How do I do at remembering to practice these spiritual principles? Most days I nail at least a few of them.

Other days, not so much.

Luckily, I've done a lot of work to let go of my perfectionism.

Self Acceptance

"We no longer have to look for the approval of others because we are satisfied with being ourselves." (I.P. No. 19)

I'm in love with the idea of accepting myself fully.The line above is from a piece of literature from a twelve step program that saved my life, but it bears the same sentiment as a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that has also resonated with me for a very long time:

"Somehow we learn who we really are and then live with that decision."

I know I am getting closer, but I am not quite there yet, Eleanor. I 'm getting better at self-awareness, which is a good start. I figure I have to know who I am in order to be okay with me, right? Fortunately, I like more about myself as time passes, but I still struggle with a fair bit of negative chatter that takes over my brain, and I am beginning to see how that type of chatter translates into behaviours that work against me. What I do know for certain, is that I don't speak to the people I love the same way as I talk to myself. Which is kind of ridiculous, but it is the truth. I know these things about myself, but don't accept them, and want to change them. So, if I accept that I am not happily dwelling in a place of self-acceptance, is that self-acceptance?

And now, you should begin to understand that doctoral degree aside, my brain is often not my friend.

If you want to read something cool about self-acceptance, check out Melodi Cowan's tiny buddha blog post "Learning and Unlearning: A Journey of Self-Acceptance."