First, Do Nothing

Is it wrong to be working on a list of things to do on the very first day of my "supposed to be learning how to do nothing" life? I just don't know the answer.

Melody Beattie's daily meditation for today really kind of nails it. It's about "control."

Seriously

I need to lighten up. 

I tried really hard to climb out of the mental and emotional funk that I found myself in late yesterday, but the little black cloud hung over my head for most of today too. After dinner this evening I thought a hot bath might wash away my misery. It's kind of funny now (several hours later) but the bath actually was just starting to make me feel happier when our daughter, who lives in our suite downstairs, came upstairs and hollered "I think I have a problem." She was right. Something had snapped between the bathtub in which I was reclining and the ceiling in her entryway downstairs. By the time I bailed out of the tub and made it downstairs, my husband had already torn the ceiling apart and water was drip, drip, dripping into a bucket. "It's not that bad," he told me, "just a small broken pipe attached to the bathtub drain." I am going to take his word for it.

Our daughter and I had planned earlier today to do a yoga dvd together. Given that the bath idea was an utter wash (pun intended), we made our way back upstairs to bend and breathe to Rainbeau Mars' Pure Tranquility dvd. But first, because like me, my wee girl is also into letting a deck of pretty cards determine her mood and/or her fate, I pulled a card from her Universal Laws of Conscious Creation Fractal Art Message Cards. I'm not going to pretend that I know what fractal art even means, and I have at least some reservations about the whole law of attraction thing, but the cards are pretty, and the one I pulled seems particularly relevant, should I decide to follow it's message.

My card was titled "The Universal Law of Repetition," which advises, in part:

"The thoughts you think over and over again will become your predominant thoughts and thus become your reality. Be conscious of your internal dialogue and choose constructive thoughts to create a predominantly positive mental attitude. When you repeat a thought or image, you make it easier to do so again, and eventually this repetition becomes automatic and habitual."

Kind of amazing, given my realization just a few days ago that it was the negative chatter in my head that usually messes the most with my serenity. I do feel better after the yoga, and surely to god I won't have a third cranky day tomorrow.

Here's hoping.

The feeling of Sunday is the same everywhere, heavy, melancholy, standing still. ~ Jean Rhys

Today started out pretty great. A trip to Costco with my oldest daughter "cost" more than I had hoped (what else is new, it's Costco) but I loved spending time with her and I did get a great pair of work pants, a yoga tank top and jacket, and yet another copy of Gretchen Rubin's bestselling book The Happiness Project. I keep buying copies of the book (well, I've bought three) and giving them away. Spread a little happiness, figure that can't hurt. It's a great book, a memoir about a year that the author spent "test-driving the wisdom of the ages, current scientific studies, and lessons from popular culture about how to be happier."

Taking care of my self this afternoon had me curled up in my easy chair watching a profoundly moving film, The Prince of Tides with Barbra Streisand and Nick Nolte. It felt like a perfect Sunday afternoon thing to do, and I enjoyed it thoroughly. The story is both uplifting and deeply disturbing. As much as I loved the movie, my mood started to crash as soon as it ended. Which, come to think of it, was about the same time that I started resenting that the weekend was almost over. Try as I might, I haven't been able to reclaim any true sense of happiness today.

So what does one do, if one wants to end the weekend on a hopeful note? Why, a Google search for happy thoughts, naturally. 

What did I do before Google?

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."  ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Self Acceptance

"We no longer have to look for the approval of others because we are satisfied with being ourselves." (I.P. No. 19)

I'm in love with the idea of accepting myself fully.The line above is from a piece of literature from a twelve step program that saved my life, but it bears the same sentiment as a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that has also resonated with me for a very long time:

"Somehow we learn who we really are and then live with that decision."

I know I am getting closer, but I am not quite there yet, Eleanor. I 'm getting better at self-awareness, which is a good start. I figure I have to know who I am in order to be okay with me, right? Fortunately, I like more about myself as time passes, but I still struggle with a fair bit of negative chatter that takes over my brain, and I am beginning to see how that type of chatter translates into behaviours that work against me. What I do know for certain, is that I don't speak to the people I love the same way as I talk to myself. Which is kind of ridiculous, but it is the truth. I know these things about myself, but don't accept them, and want to change them. So, if I accept that I am not happily dwelling in a place of self-acceptance, is that self-acceptance?

And now, you should begin to understand that doctoral degree aside, my brain is often not my friend.

If you want to read something cool about self-acceptance, check out Melodi Cowan's tiny buddha blog post "Learning and Unlearning: A Journey of Self-Acceptance."

More Life, Less Work

I am happily trying to recover from an addiction to working.  I don't work on weekends anymore, and rarely work in the evenings. Today is the second of four Fridays that I have booked myself off of work. I want to use the time to write, but it's also a training program for me and for my fourteen-person staff. We all need to learn that our business can actually survive without me for a twenty-four hour period every so often. Can't it?

I'm doing better than usual, but I have a long way to go. Today, I haven't turned on my tablet computer, but my Blackberry has rested closely beside me all day. I have already responded to twenty emails, and made one phone call. Two of the emails were responses to staff who sent emails with header warnings that said "Do Not Read Until Monday" and "Not, Not, Not Important." Have they met me? Not open an email? I would say that I am pathetic, but I try not to say things like that about myself anymore.

Several hours later...

Okay, I really am pathetic. I won't even say how many more phone calls I made and emails I sent this afternoon. There was clearly some denial happening during the crafting of the first two paragraphs of this post.

Fortunately, help is close at hand. A quick Google search reveals a neverending list of links that will help me figure out how to find more balance between work and...not work. According to Leo Babauto, author of the blog zenhabits: smile, breathe, and go slowly, regular self reflection is the key.

"Think about how your life is going, how you’re spending your time, and decide whether you need to make changes. Then schedule time to make those changes immediately — or make the changes right away if possible."

I've done the reflecting,  decided I want more time in my life to write, and scheduled four days off to get a good start on it.

Making changes right away is apparently not possible for me. But I'll do better next Friday.