Tomorrow is Sundae

Sometimes the world is out to get me. I am utterly convinced.

Take tonight for instance. I've just finished watching a really sad movie (My Sister's Keeper, based on the novel of the same name by Jodi Picoult.) I cried my eyes out watching it, but in sort of a good way, you know? Unfortunately, I am now quite desperate for ice cream. When I get emotional, I need sugar. When I am really emotional, the sugar needs to be in frozen form.

Up until last year, I had a very serious Dilly Bar addiction (Dairy Queen Dilly Bars). I had to give them up when Dairy Queen started selling two boxes of bars for the price of one. In any case, we don't normally keep ice cream in the house these days. It's for my own good. Soul Mate is out for the evening, and I'm in my pyjamas and don't feel like getting dressed to go out and get myself a fix. I'm in serious need of a distraction so thought perhaps I should just write for a spell.

Here is what I just came across when I went to Google to do a search:

Seriously?

Why on earth is there a picture of a sundae in the Google banner? Is it International Ice Cream Lovers Day, or what?

Kind of funny. Kind of not. 

I'm having ice cream tomorrow, for sure.

 

Charlie Sheen, Dr. Seuss, and Me

The last few days I have been thinking that it was easier to write this blog a month ago when I was the only one reading it. Although receiving a comment on one of my posts is my abolute greatest joy these days, I do find, as I see the reader stats climb, that I am somewhat more hesitant about writing my truth here. Maybe it's because I know some of the people who are reading this blog, but don't know them really well, and I am afraid that one of them (you) will find out something about me you don't wish to know. Perhaps I am worried that you will judge me.

What I believe with all of my heart and head is that I can't be scared to "be me," and "be honest," at the same time. So I need to just get over myself, and take the very good advice of Dr. Seuss (thanks Best Friend, for reminding me of this quote).

As Dr. Seuss says:

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

So here is what I want to say today. I kind of "get" what is going on with Charlie Sheen. He is a suffering addict, as much as he denies it. Twenty some years ago, I surrendered to the fact that I was an addict. I didn't come into recovery at the "height" of my craziest using, the crazy days for me were years earlier, before I had my girls. But I didn't have to be using like a crazy person in order to hit a bottom. When I stopped using drugs in 1989, it was because I believed with every ounce of my being that I had had enough. More than enough. I wanted a new reality, to find a new way to live. For my daughters, and for me. Charlie isn't there yet.

For the past 22 years, I have worked a program of recovery. My recovery run was interrupted with insanity just once, in 2000. For a couple of days, I took prescription narcotics to deal with some overwhelming grief that I just didn't think I could bear. I chose not to bear it, I guess. I took the narcotics as prescribed, unfortunately they were prescribed to my mother, who had just died. I did not, at that time, consider taking those pills a relapse. When I realized four years later that what happened in 2000 was indeed a relapse, I changed my recovery clean date and starting "counting" clean time again. I am okay with claiming 10 years clean and 22 years of recovery.

Today, I am struggling (in part) with that same overwhelming grief that I have been trying to hide from (drug-free) for nearly 11 years. I found every which way not to feel or process the grief, believe me. I thought that I was doing okay, for almost all of the last decade. Without going into more detail (yet), the truth is that there are various other grief and and loss issues messing me up right now, and those issues have been exacerbated by years of overwork and undercare. I wouldn't say that I am grieving the loss of my colon, but I know now that I haven't dealt with losing it to cancer nearly six years ago.

Not dealing with deep emotional, physical and spiritual issues can have very serious consequences for people like Charlie Sheen and I. We can keep on using drugs, or maybe start using drugs again. Charlie thinks he has beat addiction, and I wish only the best for him, but I'm not betting on his success in the short term. I think he will use drugs again. Soon.

I am not going to start using drugs. I have no desire to, whatsoever. But the result of my not dealing with some major life traumas in my life over the past nearly 11 years has landed me in a pretty uncomfortable place, too. I am not manic, like Charlie. But a few weeks ago it became very clear to me, my family, my physician and my friends, that not taking care of myself has resulted in a seemingly swift and serious deterioration of my health, both mental and physical. As I blogged about at the time, it felt like it happened all at once, but it had actually been a very long time coming. I was diagnosed with extreme anxiety and mild depression just two weeks ago, and I swing between those two realities on a daily basis. The depression is more prevalent than the anxiety, over the last week. Some days I am lucky and land smack dab in the middle, and that feels pretty damned good. I am trying to rest (a lot like Charlie though, I can't slow down easily). I am writing, seeing an excellent therapist, doing accupuncture, massage. I am feeling my emotions, which is the most time consuming task of them all, and the most debilitating. I am not taking drugs for my condition at the present time, but I have no judgment whatsoever of people who find medication is a good solution for them. I'm trying it my way, for now.

I don't know why I felt compelled today to put all of this out there. It's me, writing my truth and breaking through the fear of some of you finding out more information about me than you may care or need to know. So many of you have already been so kind, whether by leaving a comment or telling me in other ways. I appreciate the support, with all of my being.

I am not a broken person, not a failure or a loser. I am not weak, or crazy, or defective. I am just a human being, who is still sometimes uncertain about whether I am worthy of taking the time I need to heal from the life I have been leading. I have been very productive this past decade, don't get me wrong. It's been a wild ride with a lot of great things, I've just been going at too high a speed. I have not, like Charlie Sheen admits to, been "banging seven gram rocks." But I have very, very often worked 70 hour work weeks (I am paid to work 35). I know that my drug this past four years has been my work, and I have come close to overdosing on it. On the very rare occasion when I ran out of work, I found every other which way under the sun to busy myself.

I'm tired of doing. I want to "be" more, and "do" less, to live in the moment, to make the most of every moment. Twenty two years ago I wanted a better life for my daughters and I, and I sure have built a better life. I have more amazing people in my life than ever before, including my Soul Mate, who has watched my insanity for so long (two decades) that he thinks that I really am just wired to work that much. We have wonderful kids, and grandkids. I have great parents-in-law, and a beloved Dad. They matter.

I want to be here for another twenty years at least. Taking care of my health is the only chance I have of staying.

Well, that was me, being honest. I hope that Dr. Seuss is right.

Trepidation

I worked for fourteen hours today from the comfort of my kitchen. I had a lot to do before I go into work tomorrow to hand over all of my responsibilities and take a thirty day stress leave for work addiction.

I am beginning to think my doctor and therapist are onto something. 

At the end of a long day, rather than figure out what to blog about, I like to pull an inspiration card or... something. I just pulled a card from my Buddhist Prayer Deck and it reads:

"There is only one moment in time when it is essential to awaken. That moment is now."

~Attributed to the Buddha~

I will take this as a sign. The Buddha wouldn't lie, right?

More Life, Less Work

I am happily trying to recover from an addiction to working.  I don't work on weekends anymore, and rarely work in the evenings. Today is the second of four Fridays that I have booked myself off of work. I want to use the time to write, but it's also a training program for me and for my fourteen-person staff. We all need to learn that our business can actually survive without me for a twenty-four hour period every so often. Can't it?

I'm doing better than usual, but I have a long way to go. Today, I haven't turned on my tablet computer, but my Blackberry has rested closely beside me all day. I have already responded to twenty emails, and made one phone call. Two of the emails were responses to staff who sent emails with header warnings that said "Do Not Read Until Monday" and "Not, Not, Not Important." Have they met me? Not open an email? I would say that I am pathetic, but I try not to say things like that about myself anymore.

Several hours later...

Okay, I really am pathetic. I won't even say how many more phone calls I made and emails I sent this afternoon. There was clearly some denial happening during the crafting of the first two paragraphs of this post.

Fortunately, help is close at hand. A quick Google search reveals a neverending list of links that will help me figure out how to find more balance between work and...not work. According to Leo Babauto, author of the blog zenhabits: smile, breathe, and go slowly, regular self reflection is the key.

"Think about how your life is going, how you’re spending your time, and decide whether you need to make changes. Then schedule time to make those changes immediately — or make the changes right away if possible."

I've done the reflecting,  decided I want more time in my life to write, and scheduled four days off to get a good start on it.

Making changes right away is apparently not possible for me. But I'll do better next Friday.

I Forgot to Mention

In addition to wanting to figure out my real purpose in life, I want desperately to be a writer. I write a lot in my professional and academic lives (no, they are not one and the same, but that is a story for another day) but I want to write, and only write, for my living. For now, writing is the newest of my three ongoing careers, and the one that pays the least. Well, okay. It pays nothing. But I believe people when they say "do what you love, and the money will come." I am not in a panic.

It does occur to me as I sit here at 7:30 in the morning that there is a very good likelihood that the money never will come, if I don't finish my writing projects. This space could be a journal of self discovery, and nothing more, if nobody ever follows me. In the same way that I really want people to like me, I really want people to like my writing. On a point of practicality, I know that I need to figure out how to tag my posts to attract people to this blog. But to start, I am fine with talking to myself.

My morning ritual looks something like this, minus the personal toiletry activities: check my work Blackberry, make a cup of tea (creamed earl grey, if you haven't tried it, you are robbing yourself), start worrying about what to wear to the office, and flip open a book of daily meditations or pull a card from an inspirational deck of something or other. Lately I like to pull from a beautifully illustrated deck of Grace cards created by self-care expert Cheryl Richardson. So, here goes.

The card I just picked is "Chance", and it reads:

"Take the leap. Divine protection is always by our side."

Which is kind of fitting. This blog is my leap.

Just Another Woman in Recovery

So here is the deal. Part of my story (but not all of it) is that I am woman in recovery, and recovery is an important part of my life. But it is not my entire life. I came across an interesting book recently written by a woman who happily claims that she has made the transition from recovery to discovery. Good for her, I thought.

I am also very much in discovery mode, but I have no plans to leave my recovery program behind. I like having a program that helps me set my intentions and keep on course. I really like having a higher power, something I found in recovery. I am not religious, but I am following a spiritual path.

I've been finding my way back to myself for more than twenty years, and once in a while I feel like I am getting pretty close to figuring me out. That lasts for about five minutes. The closest I get to the real me is through my writing, so here I am. I think I can do this. I have blogged before, but my posts turned overly sentimental. The best I can say about the experience is that it was a good start to my learning how to write on a regular basis. I managed to write several heartfelt tributes to my dead mother, and an apparently interesting post about cancer, money, and me (says my dear friend, Jayn). 

Today is a brand new day. A new blog. I am known to be witty, and I am back in therapy to deal with my addiction to working too much, so this could be interesting. At least for me.