Humility

There's this thing called the seventh step (seventh of twelve) that some of us practice. In this step, we put our trust in a higher power (I call mine Mary). We focus on the spiritual principles of surrender, trust, faith, patience and humility. The idea here is simple - we hope to become better human beings. Humility is the big one here. A lot of people have trouble with the word humility, mistaking it or equating it too closely with humiliation. I try to keep things simple. Humility for me, just means that I am teachable, that I have a lot to learn. And boy, do I.

One of my lovely sponsees (as in, I sponsor/mentor her) was recently very moved by a line from a piece of recovery literature. We talked about it a bit, and I also became inspired. It kind of speaks volumes even without much introduction, but I thought the sentence that came before it added necessary context. So here they are, two sentences that say a lot:

"We may even be startled by the level of maturity or spirituality we've demonstrated in handling a situation that in years past would have had us acting very unspiritually. One day, we'll realize that some of the ways we used to act have become as alien as spiritual principles were when we first started practicing them."
(Step Working Guide, 67)

As I struggle in my life today with some fairly serious life issues, I need to remember to practice the spiritual principles that best counteract my character defects. It kind of goes something like this, for me:

I have to remember to practice:

• Faith, not fear.
• Humility, not arrogance.
• Self-love, not self-doubt.
• Compassion, not resentment or judgment.
• Commitment, to counter lack of discipline.
• Open-mindedness, rather than lack of self-acceptance.
• Honesty, not denial.
• Love, not impatience. 

How do I do at remembering to practice these spiritual principles? Most days I nail at least a few of them.

Other days, not so much.

Luckily, I've done a lot of work to let go of my perfectionism.

Brenda Ueland and The Twelve Steps of Writing

Best Friend is one of the strongest supporters of my writing dream. We met when we were both 15 years old, and that girl has witnessed the best and worst times of my life. Although it wasn't always easy, Best Friend has loved me for 35 years, even through my least lovable moments. (She didn't have to like me, she just had to love me.) It was Best Friend who, twenty years or so ago, knowing about my desire to become a writer, bought me Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within. I devoured that book, and adore it still. I plan on blogging about it and a couple of other books that I have recently fallen in love with, over the next few days. But I have to start with another book, one that I also acquired several decades ago. I'm nearly but not completely positive that I bought this one myself. The book is Brenda Ueland's If You Want to Write: A Book About Art, Independence and Spirit.

First published in 1938, this slim volume continues to inspire. Poet and writer Carl Sandburg claimed that it was "the best book ever written about how to write." As a believer in twelve step programs, I am attracted to Ueland's claim that there are twelve things that anybody who wants to write needs to know and to believe. These steps or principles, according to Ueland, and presented verbatim are:

1. Know that you have talent, are original and have something important to say.
2. Know that it is good to work. Work with love and think of liking it when you do.
3. Write freely, recklessly, in first drafts.
4. Tackle anything you want to—novels, plays, anything.
5. Don't be afraid of writing bad stories. To discover what is wrong with a story write two new ones and then go back to it.
6. Don't fret or be ashamed of what you have written in the past.
7. Try to discover your true, honest, and untheoretical self.
8. Think of yourself as incandescent power, illuminated perhaps and forever talked to by God and his messengers. Remember how wonderful you are, what a miracle!
9. If you are never satisfied with what you write, that is a good thing. It means your vision can see so far that it is hard to come up to it. Again I say, the only unfortunate people are the glib ones, immediately satisfied with their work. To them the ocean is only knee-deep.
10. When discouraged, remember what Van Gogh said: "If you hear a voice within you saying: You are no painter, then paint by all means, lad, and that voice will be silenced, but only with working."
11. Don't be afraid of yourself when you write. Don't check-rein yourself. If you are afraid of being sentimental, say, for heaven's sake be as sentimental as you can or feel like being! Then you will probably pass through to the other side and slough off sentimentality because you understand it at last and really don't care about it.
12. Don't always be appraising yourself, wondering if you are better or worse than other writers. "I will not Reason & Compare," said Blake; "my business is to Create." Besides, since you are like no other being ever created since the beginning of Time, you are incomparable.

Brenda Ueland died in 1985, at the age of 93. This book is still in press. If you haven't got it, and you want to write, I recommend it highly.

Charlie Sheen, Dr. Seuss, and Me

The last few days I have been thinking that it was easier to write this blog a month ago when I was the only one reading it. Although receiving a comment on one of my posts is my abolute greatest joy these days, I do find, as I see the reader stats climb, that I am somewhat more hesitant about writing my truth here. Maybe it's because I know some of the people who are reading this blog, but don't know them really well, and I am afraid that one of them (you) will find out something about me you don't wish to know. Perhaps I am worried that you will judge me.

What I believe with all of my heart and head is that I can't be scared to "be me," and "be honest," at the same time. So I need to just get over myself, and take the very good advice of Dr. Seuss (thanks Best Friend, for reminding me of this quote).

As Dr. Seuss says:

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

So here is what I want to say today. I kind of "get" what is going on with Charlie Sheen. He is a suffering addict, as much as he denies it. Twenty some years ago, I surrendered to the fact that I was an addict. I didn't come into recovery at the "height" of my craziest using, the crazy days for me were years earlier, before I had my girls. But I didn't have to be using like a crazy person in order to hit a bottom. When I stopped using drugs in 1989, it was because I believed with every ounce of my being that I had had enough. More than enough. I wanted a new reality, to find a new way to live. For my daughters, and for me. Charlie isn't there yet.

For the past 22 years, I have worked a program of recovery. My recovery run was interrupted with insanity just once, in 2000. For a couple of days, I took prescription narcotics to deal with some overwhelming grief that I just didn't think I could bear. I chose not to bear it, I guess. I took the narcotics as prescribed, unfortunately they were prescribed to my mother, who had just died. I did not, at that time, consider taking those pills a relapse. When I realized four years later that what happened in 2000 was indeed a relapse, I changed my recovery clean date and starting "counting" clean time again. I am okay with claiming 10 years clean and 22 years of recovery.

Today, I am struggling (in part) with that same overwhelming grief that I have been trying to hide from (drug-free) for nearly 11 years. I found every which way not to feel or process the grief, believe me. I thought that I was doing okay, for almost all of the last decade. Without going into more detail (yet), the truth is that there are various other grief and and loss issues messing me up right now, and those issues have been exacerbated by years of overwork and undercare. I wouldn't say that I am grieving the loss of my colon, but I know now that I haven't dealt with losing it to cancer nearly six years ago.

Not dealing with deep emotional, physical and spiritual issues can have very serious consequences for people like Charlie Sheen and I. We can keep on using drugs, or maybe start using drugs again. Charlie thinks he has beat addiction, and I wish only the best for him, but I'm not betting on his success in the short term. I think he will use drugs again. Soon.

I am not going to start using drugs. I have no desire to, whatsoever. But the result of my not dealing with some major life traumas in my life over the past nearly 11 years has landed me in a pretty uncomfortable place, too. I am not manic, like Charlie. But a few weeks ago it became very clear to me, my family, my physician and my friends, that not taking care of myself has resulted in a seemingly swift and serious deterioration of my health, both mental and physical. As I blogged about at the time, it felt like it happened all at once, but it had actually been a very long time coming. I was diagnosed with extreme anxiety and mild depression just two weeks ago, and I swing between those two realities on a daily basis. The depression is more prevalent than the anxiety, over the last week. Some days I am lucky and land smack dab in the middle, and that feels pretty damned good. I am trying to rest (a lot like Charlie though, I can't slow down easily). I am writing, seeing an excellent therapist, doing accupuncture, massage. I am feeling my emotions, which is the most time consuming task of them all, and the most debilitating. I am not taking drugs for my condition at the present time, but I have no judgment whatsoever of people who find medication is a good solution for them. I'm trying it my way, for now.

I don't know why I felt compelled today to put all of this out there. It's me, writing my truth and breaking through the fear of some of you finding out more information about me than you may care or need to know. So many of you have already been so kind, whether by leaving a comment or telling me in other ways. I appreciate the support, with all of my being.

I am not a broken person, not a failure or a loser. I am not weak, or crazy, or defective. I am just a human being, who is still sometimes uncertain about whether I am worthy of taking the time I need to heal from the life I have been leading. I have been very productive this past decade, don't get me wrong. It's been a wild ride with a lot of great things, I've just been going at too high a speed. I have not, like Charlie Sheen admits to, been "banging seven gram rocks." But I have very, very often worked 70 hour work weeks (I am paid to work 35). I know that my drug this past four years has been my work, and I have come close to overdosing on it. On the very rare occasion when I ran out of work, I found every other which way under the sun to busy myself.

I'm tired of doing. I want to "be" more, and "do" less, to live in the moment, to make the most of every moment. Twenty two years ago I wanted a better life for my daughters and I, and I sure have built a better life. I have more amazing people in my life than ever before, including my Soul Mate, who has watched my insanity for so long (two decades) that he thinks that I really am just wired to work that much. We have wonderful kids, and grandkids. I have great parents-in-law, and a beloved Dad. They matter.

I want to be here for another twenty years at least. Taking care of my health is the only chance I have of staying.

Well, that was me, being honest. I hope that Dr. Seuss is right.

Before I Die

As I understand it, there are five secrets that I need to discover before I die. Apparently, you need to discover them too. I'm thinking that knowing them might help us write our bucket lists and/or identify the 1000 places that we need to visit before we...well, you know.

The five secrets that I present below are those proposed by John Izzo (PhD) in his book The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die. For each secret, I've provided just one of the many questions that Izzo suggests that we ask ourselves. There really is a lot more to this great little book, and I can't do it justice here.

Be True to Your Self

Am I following my heart right now? What would it mean for me to really follow my heart right now?

Leave No Regrets

What step would I take in my life right now if I were acting with courage, not fear? What might I do differently right now if I were living from the perspective of an old person on the porch looking back at my life?

Become Love

Did I make room for friends, family, and relationships today/this week? Did I allow things to be more important than people?

Live the Moment

Did I live in the present today/this week, or did I let tomorrow or yesterday steal the day's happiness?

Give More Than You Take

Did I make the world a better place this week in some small way?

I like these simple secrets. And five is my favourite number, so there must be something to them.