Tuesday, April 26, 2011

One Day, Many Feelings

I haven't blogged in six days. I am not going to lie, not writing has caused me some anxiety. However, I had a good reason for not being on here, I took the days away to spend time with my Best Friend, whose heart has just been ripped apart. We had a lovely weekend, and it felt good to be fully present for her visit. But now, here I am, a little bit scattered, feeling rusty. I am grateful to be putting words into sentences again. Blogging is my practice, my meditation. My check-in, my touchstone, my way of figuring out where I am. Where am I today?

Well, physically I am in my living room, sitting in my favourite easy chair with my feet resting on its matching ottoman. The sun is pouring in through the window, a warm breeze coming through the just cracked window. I am sipping (as opposed to gulping) a most excellent cup of coffee. My father is visiting, but he's still adjusting to time zone changes so he's not up yet. It will be a fun visit, although he doesn't have a clue just how much fun I actually have planned for him. For one thing, this is the first time in four years that my father will have my attention during a visit. I usually work while he is here, even when I take days off. The last time he was here he made a snippy comment about my always being on my Blackberry, and I took note. As I have blogged about on earlier occasions, up until I hit the wall with a thunderous crash a couple of months ago, I had a serious problem with work/life balance. I am beginning to see that my problem with working too much was largely self-created, although the environment I work in clearly contributed. I can only take care of my end of the silliness. I have an amazing therapist, and am making good progress.

Where am I emotionally? I am quite looking forward to a well-hatched scheme that will surprise my father this Thursday. My Baby Sister (I've blogged about her too) is flying in on Thursday night for the Royal Wedding. My dad doesn't know this, but he will be tickled pink. All of his children are scattered across this continent so he rarely gets to spend time with more than one of the four of us at a time. This will only be the second time that my sister, father and I have been together in about six years. My dad is 80. These moments matter. We will drink tea and watch William and Kate get married, and then spend a few days playing tourist and introducing Baby Sister to my lovely town. So happiness here, in anticipation of a father-daughters weekend. I just hope we don't give him a heart attack when she walks in on Thursday night.

My heart is also somewhat heavy. Tomorrow is my mother's death date anniversary. I don't remember ever having my father around on the anniversary of her death. It's often (well, always) a difficult day for me. And I don't want to make it difficult for him. I am not sure how he marks it, or if he does. I am sitting here crying just thinking about how hard it will be for me not to cry tomorrow. Crap.

And finally, I feel a little guilty because I was a bit bitchy to my two daughters last night. I say "a bit" because they were being a tad annoying and pushing my buttons on purpose. I am very rarely bitchy with them, although I am probably a lot of other things such as "bossy," and "controlling," and the like. Still. I know they will forgive me, as I forgive them. But in case they have difficulty, here is a YouTube video I found on forgiveness that I quite love. As I love them.

So, where I am today. Grateful. Hopeful. Excited. Sorry. Sad.

It's bound to be a good day. Hope yours is too.


  1. You know what Dawn,
    drag out the photos, the memories, and the three of you celebrate your mother's life - quite naturally amidst laughter and tears; but don't step around the date as though it were the perverbial elephant in the middle of the room!!
    (Oh, and don't you love how I tell you what to do!! - you know I'm merely suggesting I hope)

    You're a beautiful friend to give your time to wholeheartedly and focused as you did over the weekend. Thank you!

    Funny , our varying worlds - with your beautiful writing, I captured an image of where you are sitting. Me? I'm down here, SW from you and it is drzzly rain, chilly, depressing, and I have laundry and dishes beckoning my attention; though I remain held up in my office so as not to see it, the laundry , the dishes!!
    Your climate appears to permeate your mood. Allow me to write, that mine does the same.
    I'm feeling HORRIBLY depressed today
    (note - no blog post yet - very unusual for me)

    I see I need to turn off the computer and go work on my mood - after all, we choose it

    So anxious to hear reports on your visit w/Dad and sister!

  2. A box, I am
    I'm south EAST of you
    lol, like anyone would have caught that.

    ugh--> go do the laundry dawn

  3. Love your come back after the 6 days...so open and honest and real. Thanks for sharing.

    I got to spend time like that when my dad turned 80, along with my sister, too. It. is. so. sweet! and precious! Milk it, Dawn :~)


  4. Thanks, Dawn and Kathy. Yesterday passed by gently, I have been very busy getting ready for my sister's visit - she arrives tonight. It will be the first time she has ever visited me since I moved here six years ago. I've also been busy not letting the cat out of the bag with my Dad - he is going to be so surprised. I am happy for this joyftul day, it feels like things are finally turning around for me in terms of my depression. Spring does come, after all.