Self Acceptance

"We no longer have to look for the approval of others because we are satisfied with being ourselves." (I.P. No. 19)

I'm in love with the idea of accepting myself fully.The line above is from a piece of literature from a twelve step program that saved my life, but it bears the same sentiment as a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that has also resonated with me for a very long time:

"Somehow we learn who we really are and then live with that decision."

I know I am getting closer, but I am not quite there yet, Eleanor. I 'm getting better at self-awareness, which is a good start. I figure I have to know who I am in order to be okay with me, right? Fortunately, I like more about myself as time passes, but I still struggle with a fair bit of negative chatter that takes over my brain, and I am beginning to see how that type of chatter translates into behaviours that work against me. What I do know for certain, is that I don't speak to the people I love the same way as I talk to myself. Which is kind of ridiculous, but it is the truth. I know these things about myself, but don't accept them, and want to change them. So, if I accept that I am not happily dwelling in a place of self-acceptance, is that self-acceptance?

And now, you should begin to understand that doctoral degree aside, my brain is often not my friend.

If you want to read something cool about self-acceptance, check out Melodi Cowan's tiny buddha blog post "Learning and Unlearning: A Journey of Self-Acceptance."

More Life, Less Work

I am happily trying to recover from an addiction to working.  I don't work on weekends anymore, and rarely work in the evenings. Today is the second of four Fridays that I have booked myself off of work. I want to use the time to write, but it's also a training program for me and for my fourteen-person staff. We all need to learn that our business can actually survive without me for a twenty-four hour period every so often. Can't it?

I'm doing better than usual, but I have a long way to go. Today, I haven't turned on my tablet computer, but my Blackberry has rested closely beside me all day. I have already responded to twenty emails, and made one phone call. Two of the emails were responses to staff who sent emails with header warnings that said "Do Not Read Until Monday" and "Not, Not, Not Important." Have they met me? Not open an email? I would say that I am pathetic, but I try not to say things like that about myself anymore.

Several hours later...

Okay, I really am pathetic. I won't even say how many more phone calls I made and emails I sent this afternoon. There was clearly some denial happening during the crafting of the first two paragraphs of this post.

Fortunately, help is close at hand. A quick Google search reveals a neverending list of links that will help me figure out how to find more balance between work and...not work. According to Leo Babauto, author of the blog zenhabits: smile, breathe, and go slowly, regular self reflection is the key.

"Think about how your life is going, how you’re spending your time, and decide whether you need to make changes. Then schedule time to make those changes immediately — or make the changes right away if possible."

I've done the reflecting,  decided I want more time in my life to write, and scheduled four days off to get a good start on it.

Making changes right away is apparently not possible for me. But I'll do better next Friday.

I Forgot to Mention

In addition to wanting to figure out my real purpose in life, I want desperately to be a writer. I write a lot in my professional and academic lives (no, they are not one and the same, but that is a story for another day) but I want to write, and only write, for my living. For now, writing is the newest of my three ongoing careers, and the one that pays the least. Well, okay. It pays nothing. But I believe people when they say "do what you love, and the money will come." I am not in a panic.

It does occur to me as I sit here at 7:30 in the morning that there is a very good likelihood that the money never will come, if I don't finish my writing projects. This space could be a journal of self discovery, and nothing more, if nobody ever follows me. In the same way that I really want people to like me, I really want people to like my writing. On a point of practicality, I know that I need to figure out how to tag my posts to attract people to this blog. But to start, I am fine with talking to myself.

My morning ritual looks something like this, minus the personal toiletry activities: check my work Blackberry, make a cup of tea (creamed earl grey, if you haven't tried it, you are robbing yourself), start worrying about what to wear to the office, and flip open a book of daily meditations or pull a card from an inspirational deck of something or other. Lately I like to pull from a beautifully illustrated deck of Grace cards created by self-care expert Cheryl Richardson. So, here goes.

The card I just picked is "Chance", and it reads:

"Take the leap. Divine protection is always by our side."

Which is kind of fitting. This blog is my leap.

Just Another Woman in Recovery

So here is the deal. Part of my story (but not all of it) is that I am woman in recovery, and recovery is an important part of my life. But it is not my entire life. I came across an interesting book recently written by a woman who happily claims that she has made the transition from recovery to discovery. Good for her, I thought.

I am also very much in discovery mode, but I have no plans to leave my recovery program behind. I like having a program that helps me set my intentions and keep on course. I really like having a higher power, something I found in recovery. I am not religious, but I am following a spiritual path.

I've been finding my way back to myself for more than twenty years, and once in a while I feel like I am getting pretty close to figuring me out. That lasts for about five minutes. The closest I get to the real me is through my writing, so here I am. I think I can do this. I have blogged before, but my posts turned overly sentimental. The best I can say about the experience is that it was a good start to my learning how to write on a regular basis. I managed to write several heartfelt tributes to my dead mother, and an apparently interesting post about cancer, money, and me (says my dear friend, Jayn). 

Today is a brand new day. A new blog. I am known to be witty, and I am back in therapy to deal with my addiction to working too much, so this could be interesting. At least for me.