I write for a living - but not "this" kind of writing. Not blogging. Not telling you how I feel kind of writing. Other writing - important writing (social policy counts for a lot) - but not "my" writing.
I need to get back to "this" kind of writing - the blogging kind. The kind where I tell you what the hell is going on for me and hope that you relate to just a bit of it. The kind of writing that allows me to get in touch with myself on such a deep level that I scream or laugh or cry so hard for my dead mother that snot drips all over my keyboard (if that's the kind of day I am having).
I want to write the kind of writing where I share my hope. My hope that if you are using you can stop and live an extraordinary life like me. I want to write about how hard it was for me to figure out and then come to believe that I wasn't really a piece of shit and didn't deserve to be treated like one, not even by myself. My hope is that something in my experience will touch something in yours and we will meet for just a moment or more as the long lost friends that we are. Because I know you, if you are a woman in recovery. I know how you felt on the last day that you used - even if it was this morning. I know how great it feels when you accomplish something you didn't know you could do. Like stop using right now.
I want to tell other women that they too can be a total fuck-up for a large percentage of their lives (more than a decade, anyway) and still turn it all around and have babies if that is what they want to do or raise the ones you have already anyway, go back to school for a couple or three degrees (it was addicting), get a dream job writing policy research from a beach in Mexico for three months of the year. I want to tell you that not every man you come across will be a complete moron. Indeed, it is possible that one day you will find a man who comes down to your office on a Thursday morning and feeds you three pieces of bacon - just because he knows you need it.
Yes. That is the kind of writing I want to do.