Teardrops and Milestones

My extremely exciting milestone marker today is that in addition to learning yesterday that I have something called a "traffic source" (which is turning out to be a link to a friend you will never meet who liked your blog), I now (seriously, just overnight while I was sleeping) have:

Three followers
Four comments

The comments are incredible. All lovely, inspiring, supportive words by women who have some of the same writing dreams and desires as I. I am warmed and humbled. Indeed, I am overwhelmed. I was still over the moon just from yesterday's one traffic source.

I haven't quite figured out the follower thing, but I will this week so that I can follow the blogs of my followers. Although, I am pretty certain that the third follower may be my sister, who doesn't have a blog. Come to think of it, she is very bright and creative and should fire one up too. She was born with only one very small learning disability that leads her to misuse apostrophes quite regularly, but I have been helping her with that challenge by gently correcting her Facebook posts. If she is the mysterious third follower (I am 99% certain it is her because she figured out how to follow my last blog too) I think that she will be notified when I publish this post.

If that is the case, and you are reading this my dear baby sister, I love you. I know from our skype session this morning that you are having a crappy week. Really, everything will be okay, everybody will be okay. I don't like to see you cry, but even Dr. Phil (I don't care for him, but I know you do) would say you should feel the feelings and just cry.

It is, as we have often noted, a crying shame that when the women in our family cry, we don't look like Julia Roberts looks when she cries. We aren't our prettiest with our faces all red and blotchy and snot flying out of our noses. This is true. But we sure are fortunate that we are able to feel those damned feelings, aren't we? You may be thinking "not so much" at this point in time. And that's okay too.

And so here I sit. Off work for the day on a mental health day because I started crying in a meeting at work on Tuesday, which was really just a strong indicator that I needed a break from what has been a really stressful working year. I am thinking about the women who checked out my blog, and feel like crying with joy because they checked out my blog. My sister, miles and miles away from me, cried this morning but she didn't do it alone because we were on skype. Words, technology, women. I am amazed by the possibility.

I thought blogs were just about writing, but this feels like connection, confirmation, affirmation. Who knew. One of the lovely women who commented on my post yesterday is right on two fronts. It really is only the fear that stops us.

And, secondarily, as she noted, blogging really does seem to be an addiction worth having. At least for today.

Making and Taking a Vow

In her book Mindfulness and the 12 Steps: Living Recovery in the Present Moment, Thérèse Jacobs-Stewart suggests that we employ the Buddhist practice of creating a four-line verse called a gāthā as a way of asking a higher power to remove our shortcomings. This I can do.

Here's how to do it, adapted from Jacobs-Stewart (p. 104):

1. Open

Here I need to describe the shortcoming or "habituated pattern" that I am asking to be removed. I need to state it specifically and in the present tense. For example:

When I am afraid of running out of time...

2. Acknowledge My Reliance

In this second line, I need to place my needs and concerns in my higher power's care, or in the care of the universe, or whatever works for me. For example:

I vow with the help of my higher power...

3. Let Go of the Old

Next, I state my desire to let go of the root cause of the old behaviour. For example:

To let go of my anxiety and fear...

4. Invite in the New

Finally, I state my aspiration for the virtue or characteristic that I would like to cultivate in place of the defect. For example:

And rest fully and peacefully in the joy of the moment.

Alrighty then. I am going to take this idea for a test drive.

When I am afraid of running out of time...
I vow with the help of my higher power...
To let go of my anxiety and fear...
And rest fully and peacefully in the joy of the moment.

Wish me luck.

A Girl's Gotta Do

What a girl's gotta do.

And tonight, after my recovery meeting, this girl just had to have a Dairy Queen burger and a chocolate-dipped ice cream cone (medium size, which most of you know, is really big.)

Do I feel better after consuming said burger and cone at 9:30 at night? Indeed I do. The gluttony brought a slightly rough week (see posts below) to an end. Tomorrow is Friday, my third Friday off in a row. Despite last week's vacation day failure (as in, I failed to take the entire day off), tomorrow I have promised myself that I will not work. No work emails, no work calls. It won't be easy. Have I mentioned that I am a workaholic?

So what will I do with my wonderful day off? I will light a fire, and settle in to do some writing, a bit of tidying and likely a good deal of checking CNN to make sure Anderson is okay in Egypt. I will Skype my sister, and drink at least one full pot of creamed earl grey team. It's pay day, so I will pay some bills online. I will meditate at some point in the day. I will be thankful all day, for having the day to myself, grateful for the gift of time.

The only work that I might consider doing, is step work. I finished a sixth step last week, and I am anxious to start step seven. Maybe anxious is the wrong word. I look forward to starting step seven. What will I be working on? Well, I am not quite in a place where I want to do my step work on the internet, even if I am the only person reading this blog. However, in general terms, here are the things about me that keep me from being a better me, and thus, these are the things that I will be trying to leave behind:

Fear
Fear of there not being enough time. I stress a lot about there not being enough time in the day, but my underlying and stupefying fear is that I won't have enough time in my life to figure out what I am supposed to be doing with my life, let alone do it.

Arrogance
Sometimes I think having a PhD means I know better or more than most people. Mostly about subjects for which I do not have a PhD.

Self-Doubt
Sometimes, when not thinking that I am really bright, I fear that I don't know anything. About anything. Or I worry that even when I figure out what I am supposed to be doing in this lifetime, that I won't be able to do it.

Lack of Discipline
Sugar. Enough said?

Lack of Self-Awareness
I tell myself stories about myself. And then I believe them. But they are really just stories.

So, there you have it. A short list of the challenges that I face. I have more strengths than weaknesses, so don't read into this post that I think I am a diseased, defective person. Because I don't think that about myself at all. I actually think that I am a pretty remarkable being, we all are. But like the rest of us, I have some things to work on.

Tomorrow.